It’s been 6 some odd years (7 is more poetic) since I last wrote an article for this blog. A lot has happened, both good and bad. Farewell Oxford comma and 2 spaces after a period. I’m still a never been married cynical hopeless romantic looking for and falling in love in all the wrong places and getting my heart broken as if I can do this forever. Luckily, I’ve never stopped brainstorming blog ideas and writing outlines but none of that matters because I have an eidetic memory and can put myself back in those frames of mind and remember who, what, and why for your reading pleasure. Stay tuned!
Now I’ve made it Wix official with this glossy new website and some motivation to eventually write a trashy novel that I’ll self-publish on Amazon so I can call myself a writer when I approach strange women in dark restaurant bars and speed dating circles, one day anyway on the speed dating. Why did I stop writing? Well the first run of blogs got way more attention and feedback than I anticipated and could personally handle. This blog started to adversely affect my relationship(s), namely the on and off for 7 fucking years with Princess Guyana who doesn’t believe men should have female friends. Many of these friends and the male versions read it, told me not to write about them, asked me who I was writing about, and it created this toxic gossipy environment that I never intended.
Me sharing my personal experiences comes from a grounded place where the truth can set us free and the web of lies, half truths, deliberate omissions, and awkward silences we prefer to practice keep us stuck in our negative patterns with superficial and unfulfilling relationships we accept because we’d rather settle in comfort than risk losing control and getting hurt, again. Protect your heart, right? If you can’t handle hurt and pain, don’t fall in love, which then usually means you’re a narcissistic sociopath who uses others in transactional relationships and have a smartphone full of selfies if you’re female or shirtless/dick pics if you’re male. It bothers me while writing this that this line describes my most recent failed relationship to a T. I’ve been so busy since 2013 that I have added 3 heartbreaks and an abusive relationship to my baggage since Princess Guyana while pushing away the healthy relationships because her friends looked really old, we couldn't agree on a long distance commitment, and I couldn't communicate my feelings properly before they got married to someone else. One of the big patterns I learned is after every heartbreak I tried to cover up and push aside my feelings by getting back with ex’es, new flames, one nighters, whoever would tolerate my subtly self-loathing disposition and think me sort of tall if you're not 6', dark, and mysterious.
Jumping right back into sex/rekindling/dating never made me feel better, but the distraction was a welcome comfort at the time. I eventually learned promiscuity as a coping mechanism for failed relationships is like paying the monthly minimum on your credit card bill, you think you’re being responsible and in a good place but you’re amassing crippling debt that will inhibit you from having healthy relationship credit for years.
My reality was I never allowed myself to heal and prepare myself to be with someone new so I would contaminate my next relationship with my unresolved issues from the previous one, without seeing it of course. Sure my last ex cheated on me and had better responses to guys sending her dick pics than when she touched mine, but I'm over it...oh you left your phone unlocked while in the shower let me see who you've been texting behind my back. You'll always find what you look for, whether it's true or you make it true.
Recycling is much easier if you keep going back to the same ex-partners over and over again over the course of years. You already know their issues they aren't going to change and their issues they're trying to address, but not too hard since you're willing to accept them as they are now so why should they do anything different?
I finally learned the importance and need for healthy breaks, which of course translates into my being depressed for weeks and months after breakups. It’s been further exacerbated by watching 3 of the last 4 women cheat on me in our relationship, half-ass it while I tried to work to repair the trust damage, and then watch them move on effortlessly like I never really mattered. Maybe my karma finally came due... But I learned the power of forgiveness and the ability to repair friendships when the love has faded and needs to be let go. I love fully, wholly, and unconditionally so when it ends badly, I end up in a very bad way. Such is the price of unrequited love which is what happens when you’re a superficial sucker for a pretty face and a woman with daddy and/or mommy issues. I also never found the time to write because I was too busy getting sued for having a crippling porn addiction and then working months to pay that off. The only thing I’m going to say about that is VPN and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Porn is this amazing marvel where you can numb yourself from past hurts with exactly what you want, when you want it, the way you want it so you don't have to put on pants or leave the apartment. There is always a hot new girl in porn until the next hot new porn girl is your most recent ex. COVID-19 has changed the world and it’s time to reinvent myself as well to become a self-published e-reader on an online book store website. So let’s kick the tires and light the fires daddy (I'm cringing at this btw) and as always thank you for your support.