Return of Love

Sometimes when we seek to reconcile with former flames whom we still harbor feelings for and still feel a connection to, we have to sacrifice parts of ourselves for the sake of trying to make the relationship work. However, reconciliation is never as simple as revisiting and reestablishing because without the necessary revisions, the failed aspects of the relationship eventually manifest in increasing ways and it becomes even clearer why it never worked out the first time. For me, writing these candid blogs was one of my sacrifices. Here I now write, after a lengthy absence, but in truth I never stopped writing, I merely stopped publishing. In this roller coaster now past I learned something new: you know your relationship is really over and done for good when you throw away her shower cap. So with that in mind, let's re-cap. The off and on for 2 years wasn't all bad. I can remember many good times. But in remembering the great times, I vividly recall her repeated absence from them rather than her perpetual presence. This insight led to my epiphany that I cared deeply for her and even miss her now, but there reaches a point in a relationship where things need to progress forward as stagnation proves fatal. I believe when a woman loves and cares about her man, she doesn't care what they do because all that matters is that they are together even if they had plans but things didn't go as expected. The what and where isn't important as long as you're together. To me, a home cooked meal is equivalent to dinner at a restaurant, although I will admit I think a home cooked meal with wine pairing has significantly more meaning than being wined and dined at a restaurant. I also believe that a man who loves and cares about his woman lets her know of his daily plans and she's welcome to join him on any given day, at any given time, no matter what, no matter where, no matter which friends he may be with. I'm also a believer that these things should go both ways for a relationship to truly blossom. In our relationship, she had numerous demands and expectations of how she should be treated yet her best contribution was her ability to walk out when issues arose or things became problematic. Eventually, I came to the realization that the source of our strife was that she did not understand me or respect who I am as a person and ultimately we did not share a friendship as the basis of our relationship. At the end of the day, if I feel unappreciated and unloved in my relationship, it's because I'm allowing myself to be treated that way. I always tried to keep open the line of friendship, even in down times, because I believe it forms the basis of any solid relationship. But she rarely seemed interested. It was me reaching out to contact her, me being told I need to apologize, me doing virtually all the cooking and paying to feed us, me accommodating her when she wasn't feeling well, and so forth. I never saw the part where this woman goes out of her way to take care of her man in return to show him appreciation and that their relationship is truly give and take both ways and isn't just one-sided in what she gets out of it. This degradation was no one's fault but my own doing because I remained invested in it and therefore allowed it. Eventually, I could clearly see myself with her. I was that husband who admits to other men their marriage is reduced to "happy wife, happy life". My problem is I don't think a successful marriage is one where a man gives in to everything and does everything asked to please his woman. I know I would end up cynical, jaded, and unhappily married and since I'm already the first two, I can do without the trifecta. There was a time when I used to stress, worry, and fret about these things and why I couldn't recapture a loving relationship like I experienced twice in my early 20's when I didn't know any better. But I've learned that's the major difference between your 20's and 30's, clarity and understanding. Today, I better know who I am and what I want and don't let as much shit affect me, whereas before I didn't know any better and tolerated so much more nonsense and called it love. Now, it's bottom line: if you have no added value to my life that I can't provide myself or with my family and good friends who better understand and support me, then there comes a time to put up, or walk out. For her, practice made perfect so her boots were already made for walking. When something begins with so much promise yet ends so poorly, you can't help but feel like you're left alone to pick up the broken pieces and apply healthy doses of super glue despite not feeling very super and not being sure your glue will hold. You take your feelings and love for the other person and you give it a proper ceremony, give it its proper weight, and you bury it, for good. Then you get back to your roots of what makes you great, of what makes you worthy of love, and you indulge and embellish yourself because the ability to love yourself is one of the most powerful gifts you will ever give or receive. You can't fake self-love and self-love doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, and doesn't walk out and disappear. You are personally responsible for your own self-love and you benefit most from it. You feel the effects of it every day in who you are and in what you do and, when true, others cannot deny its overwhelming presence in your life. To draw inspiration from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, if you want great love you must first love yourself, then just love naturally. When you love yourself, you're able to weather any storm because, as a bathroom mirror my mom once hung up states, love always trusts, love always hopes, love never fails. Self-love will also keep you open to greater possibilities in life because, as the thinking goes, so what if you had a bad experience? It happens. Learn from it, make an adjustment, and keep on living. What's the alternative? Stagnation in a been-there done-that quagmire? Chewing on your bottom lip, sucking on the same past bad experiences that left that bitter taste in your life and wondering why the sourness keep recurring? That sort of negative action doesn't encourage positivity. But what if you struggle to truly and unconditionally love yourself? Then change yourself into someone you can love. You have all the power and it starts with letting all the negativity wash away down the shower drain while keeping your essence capped and intact.