Love Is All

I love you. The 3 words we all crave hearing but struggle to say wholly, completely, and truthfully. We are so ready and willing to accept love, but few are as keen to risk rejection and hurt to give it freely. Everyone these days seems to be a fan of love, but a true fan doesn't take without realizing they have to give and sacrifice in return. Someone's inability to love openly and fully limits them and affects only them negatively as it really does become their loss. Any Red Sox fan has lived this, which is what makes them so similar to jaded lovers whose soulmate was stolen by the hated pretty boy Yankees, except the caveat is they let her go and regretted it soon after. But by then, it was too late. I suppose that's why it's true that you never forget your first (love). A good friend of mine is at a crossroads in his life. It's no secret we're not getting any younger and 30 does something to people that makes them reevaluate what is important in life, where they're going, where they've been, who they've done it all with, and why they haven't done as much as they should have. He has struggled to reenter the dating world after having spent the past 3+ years sleeping with the enemy called wifey. So I asked him pointedly what was he going to do. He admitted to me that he was ultimately going to go back to her because at least with her, he had love. Hermano, you can have love because as Lenny Kravitz puts it, "all that I want is stillness of heart", but toss in some peace of mind and we have an accord. I remember my first. Despite all the love I had for her and still have, there's a reason it didn't work out. We wanted different things in life. She lives close by her family and has her 2 kids. Me, I love my life and everyone in it. But they would not all be in it and things would be drastically different if I had gotten back with her. I have no doubts or regrets that I made the right decision because while I would have had love and the pitter-patter of little feet, I would not have had stillness of heart, peace of mind, or the self-renewing happiness I am working to create. I am an advocate of the idea that you can't make someone else happy if you cannot, by yourself, make yourself truly happy. Early in relationships, I find people tend to be self-serving. They want you to be understanding of their situation and any problems and issues they face but don't always show the same consideration for anything you might be dealing with. I guess this is natural since people only enter into and remain in relationships where they see themselves benefiting in some way. So how can you trust that your partner will ever have your best interests at heart? Well, you can't and you shouldn't. You either make the leap or move on to the next one. Some partners grow to be truly selfless when called upon, but others will always care about themselves first and everyone else second. This can work well, so long as both parties put each other on the same level of importance. If one person is a secondary option while the other is a primary priority, there becomes a perceived lack of effort with one side putting in more and difficulties are sure to arise. I once dated a girl who said she wanted a relationship where we could lead separate lives and then come together. Call me old school, but I view relationships as a "we're in it together" partnership where the point is to support and uplift each other while we grow together and strive to reach both our shared and personal goals. If you want to lead a separate life then live a single life, otherwise that coming together looks a whole lot like a late night booty call, which can work as well so long as it's a fair exchange. Simply put, love alone is never enough to make any relationship work. Get your head out of the clouds if you still believe love is all it takes. I have observed it takes the right mix of timing, attraction, chemistry, compatibility (values, morals, goals, etc), compromise, a little bit of this love sprinkled on top for good measure, and if she's contributing her cherry then all the better. Don't believe me? Then why do so many single people want to get back to their ex that they loved so much? But why are they an ex to begin with? Why does it never work out in the end? Why else do so many of us become jaded over a lost love and end up getting involved for other reasons? I'm a fan of love, I embrace it in my life, with my friends, and in my relationships, but there's this other thing called putting in work for your relationship and the two are not related. Death and taxes are related because you can't cheat either, but love and happiness are not because you can have one but never have the other because neither one ensures the other. Don't get me wrong, love is important, love is great, but love is not everything. Call me a cynic but don't call me a liar, because somehow living in a cardboard box in the sewer as king of mosquitoes, rats, roaches, and your smelly cousin Rodolfo eating Ramen noodles will not be enough to make anyone register on the happiness scale no matter how much love they have. We need more love in this world, but the kind that's given, not received. The eternal Bob Marley asks us, "Could this be love?" Well take it from a man who had a whole lot of "love" to give having 11+ kids with 7+ women, it certainly could be, but only you can decide if love alone will make you truly happy.