All is Fair in Truth, Love, and Nasty Breakups

"You guys should fuck" she said to her crazy, drunk, horny, bi-curious friend. "It's ok with me, I don't care. Besides, he's a good lay." That was the dagger the girl I was dating and visiting delivered to end that drunken night out. As if cussing me out for not buying her water since I had no cash, flirting with 2 guys on the street in front of me, offering to go for a ride in their car with them, ignoring her friends who were apologizing to me for her, blocking me from getting into the cab home with her where my stuff was, and telling me to leave her alone because she had a boyfriend wasn’t enough. As she passed out, her friend sat there in a thong and my borrowed t-shirt giving me that unmistakable look while I ate an egg and cheese bagel and pondered how I always get myself into these situations. It feels good to be wanted, especially when you’re being rejected. But as crazy as that situation was which was as big and round as her friend’s ass was, I couldn’t go through with it. Even though my involvement seemed to be ending that night, she was who I wanted to make it work with. As I drove the friend home the next morning, she told me to let her know how things worked out between us because if it didn’t work out then she was very interested. I already knew what I wanted, but it takes two to make a thing go right. People love to say that a man is only as faithful as his options. I disagree. After that, I had 1 revisit and no fewer than 2 additional new opportunities to get down on the side with but passed on all 3. I won’t deny my guilt of being a flirt, but when the person you are with can’t make you feel appreciated or cared for, it’s sometimes nice to feel wanted and appreciated. But flirting isn’t fucking, and a man is as faithful as his choices and his actions. I’m not guilty, but then I didn’t say I was innocent either. She wanted to be treated as my girlfriend, and I wanted her to be, but she couldn’t commit to the title, time, and effort required for that role. I obliged for the most part but never went the extra mile because she never met me halfway. Before we even began I told her if it got serious between us, then her situation would become a major issue. She had reassured me that her relationship was waning with less and less time spent and that things would inevitably come to an end. But it didn’t. True to form, her situation was the primary factor in all of our fights. As time wore on and our fights grew worse, the depth of her pattern of lying and cheating was revealed. As an almost barometer, I kept seeing her friend from that particular night socially, and privately wondered if I made the right choice. Sometimes the seemingly nice ones on the outside are the unstable and crazy ones on the inside while the crazy ones on the outside are more stable and responsible on the inside. You never can tell, and as her birthday approached, I knew so was my limit and breaking point. But I tried to push through selflessly because her party plans hinged on my ability to chauffeur her to her various getaway destinations as her pseudo-boyfriend. Fate truly has a sense of irony. As the friend drove me and this chick’s passed out post-birthday self to my apartment, I couldn’t help but remember the last time this situation occurred. The flirt in me openly wondered if things might be different if I had chosen different last time, but my dick was simply too small for her big ole ass. I told the friend she deserved to be happy and I hoped she meets a man who truly appreciates her and gives her what she wants because I felt my time with her friend would soon be coming to an end as I had put up with way too much and was growing tired of the boyfriend situation and needed to be treated better than second fiddle. But I was curious what it would have been like if I could act on lust and cheat without regard for another’s feelings, but it simply couldn’t happen as I could never do that to her. That’s the thing about temptation; it is always going to present itself at your weakest moments. But your actions in those weakest moments come to define your relationships. I’ve experienced those moments and have acted wisely, poorly, had things lost in translation and been misunderstood, done the right thing and it still didn’t work out the way I wanted, and even done the craziest thing I could come up with. I feel like the right person will be able to understand and help make it work but with everyone else it will fail. Then again, it helps to be able to resist temptation and ignore distracting, tempting opportunities and that starts with knowing what you want. As the friend drove us back to my apartment, upon exiting the highway, the birthday girl woke up to us talking softly and laughing and began projecting. It was incredulous that we sat right in front of her with something obviously going on between us and for how long had we been going behind her back. I was such a hypocrite for wanting a real relationship when I was unfaithful and involving myself with other women, as evident from the time she checked my phone and all my female friends who wanted to come visit me. Suspicious people tend to find what they are looking for regardless of whether it actually exists. I didn’t even bother to defend myself because I had ample opportunities to cheat and the only cheating I did was with her for 10 months unbeknownst to her boyfriend of 2-3 years. I mean I could have stepped out with her friend behind her back but didn’t, and that had already been decided. I tell the truth for the very reason that it is told once whereas lies have to be repeated. Everyone has their limit, and what she said next reached mine, infinity, and beyond. I wasn't doing enough to convince her that a relationship with me would be better than her current situation which she admitted she preferred because it required no real effort. Besides, her boyfriend called to wish her a happy birthday minutes before me when the clocked struck midnight. Lastly, she said she still talks to her long distance boyfriend every day and calls him before she comes over my place to visit, which at that point was 3-5 days a week almost every week. I felt so disrespected in my own home, my own place of sanctity that I needed to purge everything in that instant to try and reclaim myself, for me. No matter how strongly I felt for her, no one deserves to be treated like that. We all have a point of no return and that moment was mine. So I did the only reasonable and rational thing that I could think of, which is now the first and only time I’ve ever done such a thing. At 5 o’clock in the morning on the day after her birthday, I threw her stuff out into the hallway and told her to get out of my apartment and out of my life. It gets better. A few weeks later, I saw she changed her online profile picture back to one of her and her boyfriend. The dating world has a twisted ethical code and the cheating world’s is even worse. She made me promise not to tell her man and in return I told her she had to promise to always tell the truth. But it seemed that she was actually going to go back to her boyfriend after 10 months of lying to him and sleeping in my bed every week, and pretend like nothing happened. I felt angry I allowed myself to become involved with her and helped facilitate her lying and cheating. Then I put myself in his shoes and how much it must suck to be head over heels in love and oblivious to the truth. Hints don't work when you are in love for reality comes in harsh buckets of ice cold water. Regardless, I would want to know, who wouldn’t? I had a choice to get involved with an emotionally unavailable woman, but that woman’s man didn't have a choice. I was wrong to get involved and in his position, I would want to be given that choice, to believe or not believe that my partner was cheating so that I could decide whether or not I wanted to be with her. So one thirsty Tuesday after drinks, when one of my best friends turned and asked me what one thing he could do that I couldn't to alleviate my situation, I knew exactly what it was. I typed out the exact sentence I would send to her boyfriend, pointed out his Facebook page, and told my friend that copying that sentence and into a message would make me feel that I was atoning for my actions and accepting my blame in the matter. I try to live a life of truth and not involve myself in any lying so I knew in my heart that as wrong as sending this message was, it was the right thing to do to set things straight. I gave the boyfriend the choice anyone would want in that same situation, and whatever he decided is between him and her, but at least he had that choice. I can admit that I was wrong to throw her out the way that I did. My emotions got the better of me, but then again leading up to that night and even during that night I gave her ample opportunities to prove she wanted to be with me, but she did nothing. I do not feel I was viciously malicious because when you back someone into a corner they either turn and run or stand and fight. I used to be a lover who didn’t fight, but dating failure after failure has turned me into a fighter who doesn’t love freely. But then there’s little need for me to apologize when there’s nothing left to salvage. If there were something still there then she would be the one who understands why I did what I did and it wouldn’t be just another failure. As for my revelations, you can call it vengeance, violation of the code, breaking a promise, or call it justice, but I stand resolute that it was the right thing to do. Still my heart has grown weary of dealing with these females who take it all and never give.